Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cyclist harassment

I am so glad that Los Angeles passed the bill to make harassing a cyclist illegal (and The Onion's telling response: "It was legal before? I've missed out on so much!"). Beyond the obviously egregious attempts on the life of a fellow human being—chucking trash, running 'em off the road—just honking at a cyclist is harassment. Like, seriously. Hear me out.

Imagine you're pedaling along, minding your own business. Getting from point A to point B, easy peasy, focusing on the road ahead of you because lord knows these things haven't been kept up and you're avoiding pebbles and potholes because you're not looking for a pinch flat before the sun's even all the way up. That wouldn't be fun. You've got all the tools and the know-how but you've never actually had to change a tube yourself, much less abandoned on your lonesome in a less-than-savory part of town, so your attention is on the pavement. And, you know, not dying.


Stupid fucker. Just scared the ever-loving beejesus outta me. There's no one else on the road so that jackass zipping on past definitely just honked at me. I heard him coming up behind me and hell there's two other empty lanes so why the hell is he honking at me? Now I've turned to see what the holy crapola is going on and JESUS FREAKING CHRIST POTHOLE SHITSHITSHIT and now I'm jerking the bike all across the lane so I don't slip in a crack that'll send me flying over the handlebars or, worse, into the next lane over. Congratulations, jerkwad, you just made the road that much more dangerous for all of us. I hope you die in a fire.

And now I know you're angry at me. You, in your 3,000 pound steel gorilla, is pissed at me on my 30 pounds of pygmy marmoset. I've got a royally steamed motorist on my ass—upset for no reason beyond my mere existence, sorry for breathing, asshole—who outweighs me by multiple freaking powers of ten. Because that's not threatening at all. You suck serious monkey balls, señor.

Me, with the single-finger salute

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